my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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