I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
