He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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