First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
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on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
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I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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