His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
