im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
