So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
