bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
