if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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