I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
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I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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