Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
