Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
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The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
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He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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