I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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