So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
