Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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