Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
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Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
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Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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