Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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