I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
