I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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