party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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