I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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