nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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