Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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