just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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