He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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