So drunk its hurt
Only a mothe r could love this liver
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
