The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
