i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
