ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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