Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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