I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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