Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
