Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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