Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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