I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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