You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
