She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
