as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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