my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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