So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
