I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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