I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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