Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
