the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
