He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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