Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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