he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
