He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
