my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
