I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
as a side note pls kill me
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
