You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
