im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
