You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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