I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
