1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
