My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
