Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
