I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
